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Durrrrr........ [28 May 2011|11:59am]
[ mood | horny ]

I've been gone so long, I bet y'all thought I was dead, right?

Guess what?

I AM DEAD!!!

I've been dead for a long time! A lot longer than most of those fucking Republicans thought when they called that special session of Congress or whatever it was. Don't let them forget how stupid that was. It was so stupid that even a braindead carcass like me knew it was stupid.

But I had to take a peek in here to make sure I had not been deleted. I heard that LiveJournal had been deleting people with kinky interests lately (even though no one is more disgustingly kinky than those goddamned Russians), and I was worried that this vital diary had been lost. Nope. I'm only dead, not kinky and immoral by LiveJournal standards. I'm glad I removed "necrophilia" from my interests, though that is probably OK unless it involves a dead family member or dead child. Dead animals are strictly off limits, though.

What have I been up to? Not much, really. It's really laid back in Heaven. We smoke a lot of pot and watch Teletubbies and Baby Einstein DVDs with the sound turned down and music by Death Cab For Cutie and The Velvet Underground playing. Then an orgy, a long nap, wake-n-bake, a meal of Cheetos and Sunny Delight, and the cycle repeats. Some people asked about Jerry Falwell. Yes, despite what a lot of people expected, he actually made it here. As did "Oral" Roberts. That guy has not shut his mouth since he got here, but has not had a chance to say anything, if you get my drift.

Make no mistake, Falwell's an ignoramus shithead and we all pretty much hate him. He won't shut up and he's trying to put an end to all the things that make Heaven great. The good words that Larry Flynt put in for Falwell, though, went a long way toward him getting admitted.

See, Larry Flynt is a god in Heaven. So to speak. I mean, not God with a capital G, but still a major dude who will probably rule this place when he gets here. Jesus really digs him, and of course the daddy's boy gets to call a lot of the shots. Which is cool, because Jesus generally has good sense and good taste, despite what most of his followers on Earth would lead you to believe. Larry Flynt, through the power of Jesus, is a big reason why Heaven is so much fun.

We're planning to use some duct tape to strap Falwell to a palm tree, and then have him get about 12 days of tag-team blowjobs from Marilyn Monroe, Princess Diana, J. Edgar Hoover, and Laci Peterson. And, of course, his mom. We hope that after that he'll get with the program, and keep his mouth shut unless it is pressed against my pussy. Wish us luck.

I'll try to post more soon. It's been crazy up here. But for now, I'm putting on my pointy-bra Rizzo bikini and heading to a pool party with Jef Conaway and John Travolta's dead son.

12 comments|post comment

Sixteen Candles... starring... ME! [06 Aug 2009|11:23pm]
That's right. As soon as John Hughes landed in heaven, he insisted upon directing a new version of Sixteen Candles, with me starring in the Samantha role played by Molly Ringwald! As for his other casting choices, the notables include:

Jimmy Stewart as "The Geek" (previously played by Anthony Michael Hall)
He'll raise the nerd factor to a new level. Can you even imagine Jimmy Stewart holding panties?!?!

Bruce Lee as "Long Duk Dong" (previously played by Gedde Watanabe)
When the Donger needs food, he gets it. No more yanky his wanky. He'll eat your eyeballs.

James Dean as Jake Ryan (previously played by Michael Schoeffling)
Hypersensitive pretty-boy indifference raised to a new level. I can't wait to kick him in the sack. It's not in the script, but I'll do it anyway.

The rest of the cast, you've not heard of them. They're a mixed bag of actors: some from Shakespeare's era, some from Vaudeville, and the rest a bunch of talented but dumb kids who were recently theatre majors in college but did something stupid that killed them.
4 comments|post comment

And yet another arrival... [28 Jun 2009|11:38am]
 As you would expect, Billy Mays showed up in Heaven in the middle of the night, and immediately set up shop. He blathered on ALL NIGHT in a voice that was uncomfortably loud, trying to sell OxiClean. No one was interested except Michael Jackson, who asked if it would make his skin white again, and if it would get jizz stains out of childrens' clothes.

Finally, P.T. Barnum showed up, and told Billy that he knew where all the suckers were, and off they went. Thank goodness. How did you people on Earth put up with him so long? I'm amazed he never had his throat slit.
7 comments|post comment

Fucking madhouse [26 Jun 2009|10:23pm]
 Wazzup my niggaz?

What, you do not like my racist language? Well, then fuck you. Guess what? We all get brown skin when we come to Heaven. Keeps us from shining through the dark clouds. So, yeah, we're all niggaz up here. Why do you think they call it "Soul Music" anyway?

It has been nuts here the past few weeks. I'll do my best to make sense of it.

Besides the usual riff-raff arriving on Heaven Buses (what do you expect, a magic carpet ride for every dead redneck or broke peon?) we've had a few spectacular additions recently.

A few weeks ago I was playing croquet with Princess Diana, Richard Nixon, and some guy from France who died in World War 1 (everyone gets laid after croquet... I was hoping to bang the cute soldier boy and his sexy accent while Diana had to deal with Nixon sweating and farting and jowling all over her).

Suddenly, something started descending out of the sky (yes, we have sky here, too.). At first, all we could see was a purple ellipse... then as it got closer we saw a second connected purple ellipse... it appeared that the first ellipse was being grasped by a hand, and that the second ellipse was going to explode at any moment.

We heard sirens and a Haz-Mat crew rolled up. They told us to head for cover. I did not recognize the first ellipse, but the second... I'd seen it before... there was a face there.... oh, I know! Kung Fu!

So, yeah, it was David Carradine, descending from a rope in the sky with his bloated purple dick in his hand. I was freaked out, but Nixon and Diana talked me down; Nixon had a few close calls of his own back in the day, and Diana said that she'd seen the exact same entrance from Michael Hutchence not long after her arrival in Heaven.

Anyway, it's gone crazy this week. I'm so lucky that the politics in my last days played out such that I became someone special instead of just some ordinary death like the thousands that happen every day. Hell, at least I died in a bed, and not smushed against the front of a truck or in a pile of dirt in a third-world country. You people have no idea what's coming for the "white" world: I can tell you that by the numbers of brown people entering Heaven that they WAAAYYYYY outnumber the white folks, and it's going to get ugly. But, I digress.

As I was saying, I'm lucky to be behind the velvet ropes, as it were. Rather than be swamped by the masses, I get to witness the spectacle of the Big-Time arrivals.

I do not think there was a dry eye to be found when Johnny Carson escorted Ed McMahon into Heaven. It was a gorgeous moment of appreciation and respect and payback. It was great to see them together again. They immediately convened on an old Tonight Show set, and sought George Carlin, Charo, and Elton John as their guests. Except, Charo and Elton are not dead yet. So, they goofed around and left the show in Carlin's hands. He killed. Well, as much as you can kill in Heaven.

But, wow, what a Thursday.

We'd heard for a while that Farrah was coming soon, and we all had our posters ready for autographs. I think every person, male or female, who came to sexual awareness in the 70s, had diddled to that poster of her in the red swimsuit.  And guess how she showed up? Yep, strutting in that red swimsuit and her feathered hair, all nipped out though it was quite a warm day. It was spectacular, and as she worked the crowd, she paused with me for a moment to say that she felt sorry for how it went for me. What a classy and hot woman.

Just a few minutes later, the alarms sounded that there was another Big Time Arrival on the way.

We all made our guesses: Elizabeth Taylor? Stephen Hawking? Joe Namath? Walter Cronkite? Maya Angelou? Boy George? Osama bin Laden? Sandra Day O'Connor?

We were all shocked when a portal opened and Michael Jackson (the smokin' 1983 version) did a forward moonwalk into Heaven to the smoothest and funkiest music that anyone had ever heard. Whoa. Everyone was breaking moves all over.

He collapsed to the ground in a daze. Marvin Gaye and James Brown helped him up while Elvis looked on, ready to assist his former son-in-law however he could. If anyone knew what Michael had been through in his earthly life, Elvis did.

Michael gathered his wits, looked around, and asked for directions to the nearest daycare. He said he needed to lay down and rest, and wanted to share his love with an unfortunate child. Or children. Hopefully with some Jesus Juice and narcotics.

Jesus furrowed His brow.

Thankfully, Peter Jennings was there, and was thinking on his feet. He sent Michael off with a little Brazilian kid who'd recently died on a flight to France. There was no hope of preventing the buggering from happening, but at least it is limited to one child for now. I think this is going to be an ongoing situation, though.
8 comments|post comment

4 years? My ass [31 Mar 2009|06:41pm]
 Didja see where the 4th anniversary of my "death" was marked today?

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/florida/AP/story/975151.html

Bunch of fucking retards. I was dead long before that.

It's been great here in Heaven. Oh... the stories I could tell. We have hazing here, you know. To gain admittance, Natasha Richardson had to give a blowjob to Paul Harvey (dude yells "Good day!" when he blows a load!) while taking it in the ass from Ricardo Montalbán, who then gave her a Dirty Sanchez.

We're planning to make Dick Cheney do the same thing as Natasha when he gets here. Yes, he's actually coming here. He bought his way in with all of that Halliburton money.
29 comments|post comment

LJ worky? [02 Jun 2007|01:00am]
Fucking LJ. I've been trying to make a post for 2 days but no dice. Bullshit.
44 comments|post comment

[10 Apr 2005|10:53am]
I mentioned before that halo color is an indicator of circumstances of a person's death.

There's one group of people with halos the color of...ummm... oxidized copper, I think.
Like the Statue of Liberty, but a bit brighter.

They are the most loud mouthed, profane, obnoxious, rudest, and PUSHY group of people in all of heaven.
They act like they own the blessed place, which is pretty fucked up since I hear they've only been here since September 2001.
419 comments|post comment

Come and knock on my door.... [08 Apr 2005|11:48pm]
OH JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!!
John Ritter is here! I can't believe Jack is dead, too!
The shit you miss spending 15 years in a hospice bed...
Next thing they'll tell me John Travolta had a comeback, and Oprah lost weight.

~*sigh*~
I'm gonna go smoke some weed with Jim Henson and Carl Sagan.
Maybe Belushi will turn up.
Or maybe he OD'ed again.
I think he has a drug problem.
109 comments|post comment

Witch Hunts [08 Apr 2005|10:57pm]
Hey Guys!

We need to talk.

See, I love what we all have here.
You guys get a glimpse of heaven, and I get a taste of earth.
You scratch my back, I scratch yours.

But, the problem is..... THE BAT-SHIT-CRAZY-TROLLS.

While I am flattered that I seem to bring out the lioness in all of you, I somehow feel like it distracts us from our real purpose here, which is for me to get laid while you guys watch.

I am going to let you guys decide this one:
Do we lynch the trolls, or do you want me to internet-abort them as they post?

(I need an answer pretty quickly too, because visionturtle64 has really pissed me off, and she insulted all of you, my dear friends.
We really shouldn't let that stand; she started it.

You guys nail her to the cross, while I go fuck a thin John Belushi.
161 comments|post comment

In case anyone was concerned.... [07 Apr 2005|10:39pm]
Johnnie Cochran has agreed to represent us all in the event we are sued.

A shout-out to furious_angle for the heads up.
He figures it will go down like this:
Judge: "So let me get this straight... you're suing people on an internet journal friends list because they made you cry?!?"
116 comments|post comment

[07 Apr 2005|01:01am]
Apparently banillacoke does not like me very much.

I'm glad that more than 500 of you do!
114 comments|post comment

It's as if she was never here... [06 Apr 2005|09:41pm]
...and we'll fix that. I still have all of heavenly_melody's comments in my email, though the job of copying and posting them is much bigger than I have time for right now. I'll do it when I have a chance.

I think we'll all miss her.

Heaven is still awesome. I finally got some sex today: a 3-way with John Holmes and Princess Diana. It was heavenly having my face buried in Diana's snatch (which tasted of jizz because she had spent the morning with Hunter Thompson...mmm... liquid gonzo!) while John rode me from behind like a rodeo bull. I'm not even sure which hole his dick was in: all I can remember is that it was big and it hurt and it felt awesome and I hadn't had an orgasm in over 15 years until the several I had today.
114 comments|post comment

[06 Apr 2005|08:46am]
I heard that Prince died, but then I found out they meant Prince Rainier, not the cool one.
What was strange was the flash of "OH NO!", followed by, "I get to meet PRINCE!", followed by, "Shit! Wrong prince".
Not very christian of me again, huh heavenly_melody?
218 comments|post comment

[05 Apr 2005|06:06pm]
I just learned that my body was cremated last Saturday.

~*blink*~

I guess you really can't ever go home again, huh?
112 comments|post comment

[05 Apr 2005|09:38am]
It's been crazy up here in Heaven since MC Fresh Karol (Pope John Paul II's new name in Heaven) arrived. There have been non-stop parties and festivities. It's kind of like what I remember Spring Break being like: lots of people inebriated and partying, with lots of indecent exposure. If I had a video camera I could make an "Angels Gone Wild" video, because I've seen dozens of angels lift their robes to expose their lack of naughty bits for anyone who would throw them some papal bling.

I'm still learning my way around, and as you see, still working on getting my body and brain back to normal. I hope to shed this stupid wedding hat soon. It's been difficult because of the amount of recovery I've had to do, thanks to the way I deteriorated in that goddamned Hospice. (It's OK to take the Lord's name in vain here in Heaven if you have the proper approval forms). If my parents had just accepted reality and let me die years ago, I would not have so much recovery to go through now. I'm sorry you had to see me in that tard-like state, and I am very embarassed about my appearance. I can't believe my parents did that to me, making me into a hideous media spectacle. I talked to Jesus about it, and he said that God/Allah/(insert name here) had assured him that my parents MOST DEFINITELY would not be coming to Heaven, at least not the good part where I am.

A lot of you have asked a lot of questions about Heaven, and I am doing the best I can to answer them, but I do not have all the time in the world. It's very busy here, especially for new arrivals. From what I can ascertain, just about every musician, artist, and author is here, since God has a soft spot for those who try to create new things, what with Him being the "Creator" and all. But in the same vein by which He made the universe with the Big Bang gazillions of years ago, and has left it alone and not intervened at all ever since, God detests busybodies who always try to meddle with everything. He especialy detests those annoying people who claim to be doing things in God's name, and assume that they can speak for His will. As Jesus told me, "Those people don't know shit, and my pops is gonna get medieval on them as soon as they die, especially that batshit crazy heavenly_melody." Apparently there are torture chambers in Heaven for those people. Good.

I'll provide a more interesting and anecdotal report next time around.
108 comments|post comment

[03 Apr 2005|03:09pm]
As you would expect, it has been wild up here in Heaven since the Pope died. There's been parties and parades and all kinds of stuff. It's been keeping me very busy. Plus, word got to me that the Pope wants to meet me in person, something that is unusual, I hear. Popes get rapper names when they come to Heaven, and I hear this one will go by MC Fresh Karol. I think it has something to do with the fact that no one on Earth wears more bling than rappers and the Pope, and that both degrade women.

You'll also notice that I am getting my looks back. Now I look OK, but have that ugly wedding hat on. Hopefully soon I can shed it and look even better!

There's a few things I wanted to mention, though, about Heaven and some of the crazy stuff I am seeing here.

* Jesus finally got back from Las Vegas. He's been busy since arriving, and I have not yet had a chance to talk to him. However, I have seen that wherever he goes in Heaven, he travels by pogo stick. One of you had asked about that and I wanted to let you know.

* I danced around this topic earlier when discussing housing and the roommate situation, but now that I have figured out what is going on here I am obliged to let you know: there is gay marriage in Heaven. It really is like San Francisco here. Amazingly enough, the general consensus is "love is love, and everyone deserves it". That definitely is one thing the churches on Earth have WAAYYY wrong, and their dumb little sheep are in for a rude surprise when they get here. My guess is that about a third of the people in Heaven are gay, maybe more. It is a well-known secret that Jesus' pogo stick is often seen lying on the ground outside of Freddy Mercury's bungalow. Hmmm... BUNGalow, maybe that is short for "bung allowed".

* Not all bad people go to Hell. Some of them come here and have restricted lives or exist in servitude. I already mentioned that the folks who have to pick up dog shit are former clergy; specifically, they are the clergy who did awful things like lived extravagant lifestyles, injected religion into politics, or buggered little boys. They are essentially "untouchables" here.

* Poetic justice is alive and well in Heaven. For instance, TV preachers who spewed lies from the "idiot box" on Earth live in plexiglass boxes in Heaven and can never leave. They can look out and see Heaven, but can never participate in the splendor and glory. It is tortuous for them, and sometimes people go by and mock them.

That's all for now. I'll update more soon!
254 comments|post comment

[01 Apr 2005|08:13pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I am pissed.

The way housing works here is that everyone can have a private bungalow, unless you choose to live with another person, or a group of people. Families often share homes, and women tend to have room-mates until their husbands arrive. Men generally live alone, and children tend to live in small clusters with grandparent types who look after them.
But the point I was making here is bungalows.
Modest and comfortable little bungalows.

Well, the word on the Streets of Gold is that The Pope is getting a frigging TREE HOUSE!
That sorry-ass-poverty-promoting/women-oppressing-shit-bag gets a TREE HOUSE!

I hope that bitch comes with a noose.

122 comments|post comment

[01 Apr 2005|01:27pm]
OK, wow... things just went crazy here in Heaven. I think the Pope just died. Everyone is freaking out.

Edit: Apparently not. But preparations are still going on like crazy. It will be soon.
112 comments|post comment

[31 Mar 2005|07:27pm]
[ mood | heavenly ]

OK, I'm in Heaven now, finally. It's not at all what I thought.

First off, you need to buy a ticket to get in. Most people pay installments on the TITHE plan (Ticket In To Heaven Expense). If you have not fronted the money, they don't let you in. And since I never gave enough money to the church to earn salvation (I spent it on hairspray, food to barf up, and then later on the bills for being kept as a vegetable for 15 fucking years... thanks a lot Mom and Dad, you assholes), Heaven did not let me in right away. I tried to explain my plight to St. Peter, but he did that annoying "world's smallest violin" thing where people rub their fingers together. It's appropriate that a dick like him is named Peter.

I was able to borrow enough money from Johnny Cochran, who was still in line. Seems that Heaven has a 3-day waiting period for admitting black people. Who knew? It sucks to be black even in Heaven! Racism is everywhere!

Plus, there is a lot going on in Heaven right now. They are busting their butts trying to get ready for the Pope, who is due any time. There's lots of banners and stuff everywhere, mostly in Polish, so it looks like all of Heaven needs to buy a vowel.

So anyways, I finally got in, and went straight to the buffet. WOW!!! So much food, and it was all so good. I stuck a couple of french fries into my feeding-tube-hole for old times sake. I ran into Karen Carpenter there, who said she has been at the buffet ever since she got to Heaven. She has not gone anywhere else. I also saw Kurt Cobain getting a slurpee, and Laura Ingalls Wilder getting some sushi. Turns out she loves the stuff, but never had it before getting to Heaven.

There is so much to tell you all about, but I do not have time right now. There are some seminars and orientation sessions that I have to attend. I still look like I just got off a short bus, but they tell me that you get your favorite look back after a few weeks. I'll post more soon.

237 comments|post comment

[31 Mar 2005|10:03am]
[ mood | dead ]

*gurgle*

*croak*

I'll report from Heaven soon.

207 comments|post comment

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